3 Stances: Nondefended Learning

Contemplative Dialogue consists of three interrelated "stances" or "practices":

• Contemplative Noticing or Mindfulness
• Nondefended Learning
• Nonviolence

To enlarge, click on image (From Centre for Contemplative Dialogue, Steve Wirth)

Throughout our lives, we have learned how to defend ourselves: Stand up for your rights; Protect yourself; Don't let anyone hurt you.  Now don't get me wrong: it is important to develop a healthy self-image.  But, I wonder, by building up barriers to defend and protect, am I missing out on the richness beyond those barriers or boundaries?  Have I isolated myself from the goodness of the other person and what could be achieved for the common good?

I am discovering that the practice of Contemplative Dialogue calls me to:

• Notice when I am limiting interactions by defending myself and my beliefs;
• Move toward nondefendedness, allowing freedom and choice to emerge for myself and others; and
• Seek nonviolent and compassionate ways to interact.

It is as if my defended behavior is separating me from what could be.  It also seems to limit who we could become.  Why do I try to control the outcomes?  Compete with you to win?  Not listen to the truths that you have experienced?  The Nondefeneded Learning stance asks that I burst through that crust of individualism and isolation, moving out of that dark world to experience a new life where we work together, seek new solutions, and allow the freedom of shared outcomes to emerge. 

Questions I sit with when contemplating this nondefended stance:

• What am I defending?  And why?
• Why am I protecting myself from you?
• Am I willing to become vulnerable, allowing the seeds of our shared truths to see the light and emerge into new life for both of us?

May your journey through this day be filled with many beautiful people and experiences, ones that will challenge growth and allow the freedom to become!

Larry Gardepie

3 Stances: Nonviolent Engagement

Contemplative Dialogue consists of three interrelated "stances" or "practices":

• Contemplative Noticing or Mindfulness
• Nondefended Learning
• Nonviolence

To enlarge, click on image (From Centre for Contemplative Dialogue, Steve Wirth)

At our April 9th meeting, the San Diego "Community of Practice" focused on the stance of Nonviolence.  As the topic was delivered and we discussed violence and nonviolence in our world, I wondered how often I have been "stuck" in the  cocoon that has protected me for so many years: protected me from noticing the violence - intended or not - that I inflict on myself, my loved ones, friends, and strangers; protected me from vulnerability; and protected me from exploring new worlds.  In fact, I noticed as we told our stories that evening, how many of us could retell stories of hurt and abuse.  Is nonviolence so foreign to me and to others that we don't have stories for this stance?

Watching, listening and reading the daily news, it seems as if we, as a society, may also be stuck in a cycle of violence, the retelling of stories of hurt and harm.  Just count the number of stories on the nightly news, in the newspaper, portrayed in documentaries, blogged about, tweeted and retweeted... stories that focus on humanity's anger toward itself and its environs.

Through Contemplative Dialogue, I am beginning to learn to slow down and see another world, a world of compassion - compassion towards myself and others: forgiving, understanding and forgetting past hurts.  It is true that I need to become aware of the damage I may have caused, but slowly, ever so slowly, I am called to emerge from the protective and confining coverings of the past and to enter a world that imagines new beauty and possibilities for growth and exploration, with new wings that glisten with colors unimagined in the dark, cramped cocoon.  I am learning to move beyond the limitations of the earthbound caterpillar and the confinements of the chrysalis, my earlier existences, and seek a world of nonviolent existence with you.  I am searching for new stories: of peace, not war; of healing, not harm; of joy and compassion, not sadness.

With the stances of noticing and nondefended learning, I am seeing opportunities for the common good.  I desire to stretch these new wings which are drying in the gentle breeze.  Will you join me in this exploration?  We may have some exciting new stories to tell in the near future!

Larry Gardepie

Being in Nondefended Conversations with Family: June 11 Invitation

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?”   - Henry David Thoreau


Dear Dialoguers,

Come join in this month’s Community of Practice~

In May we had a full house despite folks braving a record breaking rain storm to be there!    There was much energy around our discussion of  non defendedness and how that is one of the essentials of being in true dialogue.

The group wanted more on this topic with focus this month on being in non defended conversations with family in particular.  Since family is sometimes called “the ground zero” of dialoging contemplatively, we invite you to join in with gentleness, compassion for yourself and other, and openness to learning more about the ways in which defendedness limits our choices – limits us in so many ways.

Bring your stories, your insights, your full Presence~ remember, this is a practice.  No perfection here – only a commitment to making this a safe place to learn and journey together.

We will meet on Thursday, June 11 from 6:30 – 8:00p.  Make every effort to arrive by 6:15 ~ making time for greeting one another and being called to a mindful opening at 6:30.  As always we will gather at Michael’s place above Trader Joe’s in Hillcrest (1090 University Ave. Loft 202B)

Looking forward to being with you,

Sandy, Annette, Michael

P.S.  If you are new to the group (or a regular) and have questions, please do call!  Sandy 619-253-6342